About Haley

When I headed down Good Latimer to the Art Love Magic offices, I passed the Deep Ellum Art Park, and the first thing I saw was Hailey--which totally made me smile.

Haley is a character that Michael Lagocki often draws. With a flannel shirt, kerchief, and a paintbrush behind her ear, Haley is most often shown drawing or dreaming.

I always assumed Haley was part of Ghostwerks, but when I asked Samax Randolph about it, he said she wasn't. He did say that Mike has been drawing her in his sketchbooks as long as he'd known him.

For me, the reason Haley is special is the way Mario Cauley tells her story. He said, "Haley is about love. Stars in the sky and all of that." More than the words, was the tone of Mario's voice when he said, "Haley is about love."

In finding a character to represent the heart of ArtLoveMagic, I can think of no better image than an ordinary girl with a paintbrush behind her ear and love in her heart. She's sort of what ArtLoveMagic is about.

Now if Michael would just write her backstory...

The Value of Shifts in Perspective

:: I believe this digital art is by Ryan Bliss. It came in a series of wallpapers John downloaded via a membership to Ryan's website.

One of the things I've always loved about science fiction and fantasy as genres is that when you spend time in worlds different to your own, you see your world slightly differently when you return. It often gives insight.

I learned some things from spending time in Sahaja Yoga...

We are spirit walking around in physical bodies and we need to care for our spirit. Dr. Gillham used to call the body an "earthsuit" for our spirit. It's been awhile since I thought like that and seeing myself (and others) like that makes a difference. Sitting in meditation and focusing on the connection of your spirit to the spirit of God is a beautiful thing. It is powerful and it is healing.

We are made in the image of God. Innocence, creativity, peace, love/compassion, relationships, forgiveness and communion... Checking on our "imago dei" on a daily basis is healthy and allows us to deeply appreciate that imprint in others.

Imago dei isn't something you do. It is who you are. I love it that Sahaja Yoga never talked about "what to do" in terms of dogma or morality. It was always about spending time in connection to God to allow Him to deepen the connection and bring out those things in your spirit that are like Him. Your only "job" was to focus your attention on Him. (And attention and love are close in nature.)

Love and security are connected. Fear, criticism and a host of other things make us insecure--which oddly cuts us off from love. The more we genuinely love, the safer we are. (As opposed to walling up to protect our hearts, opening them is actually key.)

Each of us belong. God created us as part of a whole. I think the attack on this idea starts in elementary school. Kids and teenagers--and sadly often adults--create "belonging" by deciding who doesn't. It is a powerful thing to remember that none of us are "big as a mountain or small as a mouse." We each have a place in God's creation. He designed it just that way.

I was reminded that God is love. Children in Sunday School are taught this, but with all the pressure that comes with religious training, I think we forget. At least I know I forget. Somewhere along the line God becomes "expectation." I think if each of us knew at a soul level that we are truly and deeply loved that it would change the world. And if God loves us in such a way, how could we possibly give less than that to each other?

Life in the world takes a toll on us, so we need to spend time daily refreshing our spirits in connection with our Creator. The list of things above aren't new for Christians. It is core theology for us. The part I think we are lacking is that we've equated spending time with God to studying or praying. (The kind of prayer where you ask for stuff for others or yourself.) Both are things that we "do." There is beauty in simply "being" with God. It isn't as easy as you might think. Our minds are full of random thoughts. Our attention is fleeting. The discipline of focusing attention on God even for just 15 minutes is well worth attempting and building into your daily life.

There are other things I learned. Things I am still assimilating. I love it that the people in Sahaja Yoga spend their time teaching this practice. But maybe more importantly that there was abundant evidence in their words and in their faces that they practiced it. It is who they are.

Simple Vegan | Roasted Garlic

At a restaurant once, I was served roasted garlic as an appetizer. It was served in a ramekin with tiny forks and we lifted the cloves out and spread them on bread. Roasted garlic isn't strong like raw garlic. Think of the difference in raw onions and carmalized onions. It is a little sweet and very flavorful.

The recipe is simple. Take a bulb of garlic. Cut the top off (about 1/4 of the way down). Wrap each bulb in foil (think baked potato) and before you close it drizzle with olive oil. Bake at 350 for 30 - 45 minutes. (I use my toaster oven.)

You can also use roasted garlic in other recipes.

Mmmmm....

Kaleide Event....

Our church meets in rented space. So once a quarter, we skip the rent and pour all of our resources and energies into something to bless our community. (I wonder what could happen in our communities if every church turned their congregations out as a positive force once a quarter? It would be a literal army of people gifting the communities in which we live.)

Today, we had three Kaleide projects: 1) Planting an herb garden at a retirement community; 2) Helping CCA pass out free school supplies; and 3) an event for Bea's kids.

I was on the team that planted the herb garden. (Courtney, Kylie, and David--of our fondue friends--also showed up early that morning.)

I was really appreciative that Chris planned things and organized us all. She found wholesale landscape mix. Gave each of us assignments for herbs to bring, and asked us to bring gear.

It's very fun to do projects with friends. Peter and John shoveled clay. Nancy and Courtney put in borders. Lisa and Mike de-clayed shovels. (So glad Mike had a hose in his truck!) Ray and Holly planted herbs and all of us were into clean up.


Because here were so many people working on the project, it only took a little over an hour to get from start to finish.

Afterwards, all of us went to Joe's for lunch. Even Bethany showed up. So, tired and happy we shared stories and hung out together. Tomorrow is the first day of school so there was a lot of shopping and other activity to talk about.

I like my life-church-work-neighbor friends. Very cool to have people to live life with. And in case you are wondering what the finished product looked like...voila! Here is one of the beds.

Fondue party

Last night, we had friends over for fondue. John and I love entertaining. In fact, one of the best parts about moving three years ago is that we have a house with a layout that is well set up for it. Fondue is a great meal because it takes awhile. You are cooking each piece of the meal while sitting there and there are multiple courses. Last night, cheese, hot oil (you batter and fry meats and vegetables) and chocolate and fruits for the dessert course.

Our friends Shane and Michelle came. Check out the ring on Michelle's hand. They are getting married in October--on John's and my anniversary. It is fun to see your friends find happiness.

Dan and Courtney were there. Courtney is actually where this whole thing started. We were talking about fondue MONTHS ago and it took forever for us to find a date when we could both do it.

David and Kylie came. I have a whole series of pictures of Kylie with hilarious faces. You see, Courtney told us about taking pictures when you are flubbering your lips and the stop frame of photography captures you so we experimented. (Actually, I experimented A LOT but notice I am not posting those.)

David even did some magic for us. So much fun. I love the part where your breath catches when something unexpected happens. Magic is wonderful...especially when it is right in front of you.

More on "the Gap"

:::Absolutely no reason for this picture except that it matches the one in the previous post.

I've had interesting conversations in the past 24 hours since posting the Women of Chaos entry. Two clarifications...

1) It isn't only women.

2) Apparently, there really is something to this "gap" thing. This idea that the space between "what is expected" and "what is" is what creates the drama.

For example, if all of her life a woman wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but her financial (or marital) situation forced her to work and put her kids in day care, then she could feel like she is "doing things wrong." (That's just one scenario that was shared with me. There were others.)

This perception of life not being what it is "supposed to be" could send her on a quest to figure out what she is doing wrong. (Or worse, for who is to blame for her situation.) After all, if she could just "fix" things, she could live the life she was meant to live. And if everything in her world becomes about resolving that gap, then anything that is representative of the life she is living that isn't the one she wished for could make her feel persecuted. She could wind up resenting her spouse, her boss, or even the slow clerk at the grocery store. Normal, everyday things would become frustrations of epic proportions.

What if her perspective changed? What if she saw the whole world as imperfect, but still felt there was joy to be found? What if she quit seeing herself as "stuck" but as exactly where she should be for right now?

It occurs to me that people of peace are the people who find the beauty in what is instead of ignoring it to chase an ellusive set of circumstances. They are people who see that life is transitory. It seems that those busy in the joy of what is don't miss the opportunities that present themselves. They are incredibly apparent. They aren't drowned out in a din of frustration and drama.

My personal perspective is that the shift from drama to contentment has to do with gratitude. Not a fake kind of resignation that pastes a happy face on top, but a genuine appreciation for the gifts in life. And while the simplicity of it can seem too good to be true, I think it actually, truly works.

As for "women in chaos", I think we've cracked the code. The best thing we can do is point out the beautiful things and hope they embrace peace.

Women of Chaos

Actually, as I just typed that title, it sounds rather exciting...

What is it with women who always seem to have their lives in chaos?

Here's the thing. I know a handful of women who live their lives in drama. (You know these women too.) The most complicated things happen to them....and if you pick up the phone and call them (or try to see a movie with them, or just ask how they are doing) nothing is ever, EVER, simple.

So, with my brain working like it works, this has become a puzzle.

Why?

Why is it that some women live normal lives and others have the most unbelievable drama?

Well, it occurs to me that if you start trying to unravel the mystery with the drama, you get nowhere. The drama is so complex, so tangled that there will be no finding the beginning of it.

So, that leaves us starting with the woman at the center of all of this. By the way, as I'm thinking this through I actually have in mind a string of people I've known over the years, not an individual, so if you are a particularly neurotic friend of mine, stop feeling like it is you. (Though, to be fair, you may be on the list.)

It occurs to me that there are some commonalities...

1. All are very capable, beautiful women.
2. None are what I would describe as peaceful or satisfied.
3. All dialogue is perpetually about them (or how someone else's story relates to them).
4. There is an intense focus on the gap between what is and what they expect their life should be.

And while I've just painted a picture of a characature that often shows up on television--the diva personality, I actually wonder if it is more than that. What is it about someone capable and beautiful that would cause them never to be satisfied? That has them so focused on resolving their own lack of peace that every thought is about themselves? And--probably the more salient question--is it possible to help them get out of it?

I've learned if you start with the drama you get nowhere. It can't be fixed. When focusing on the person....I've learned encouraging words don't help. Listening without offering solutions is okay, but never really changes anything. (And maybe I've perpetually been too much of a coward to actually confront these women and become part of the drama myself.)

What if the key is in directing focus away from the gap? In letting them know that sometimes what is can be wonderful? In helping them to develop a dialogue of gratitude rather than frustration? Of course, this is only a theory and there is a good chance that won't work at all.

Maybe the best you can hope for is to seek out peaceful company and keep a buffer zone. Because quite frankly, everyone has drama. But not everyone celebrates it.

Day at Home

It started six weeks ago with working all weekend, then a trip to California, working another weekend, then vacation, then hanging out at the hospital with my dad. In the past six weeks, I've been home very little. And all of the little things left undone are nipping at me like pirranha. Silly things like the pantry is all out of order, and I'm wearing stuff I hate because I haven't done laundry, and all of the flowers in the hanging baskets are dead from neglect.

Today, I'm puttering. I'll definitely plant flowers. I might even nap.

And if I leave my house at all, it will only be to ride my bike around the neighborhood--which has hardly been out of the garage at all in the past six weeks.

Today is a full day at home. And though it may sound like a day of chores it isn't. Puttering is actually enjoyable because you choose what to do. And there is no end goal. You don't have to be productive.

For me, puttering is the very best kind of rest.

ArtLoveMagic's Art & Coffee

Pictured Jennifer Shipley.>>>

ArtLoveMagic's Art & Coffee events are so multifaceted they are hard to describe. For an evening artists and art lovers, musicians and music lovers, barristas and coffee lovers come together to share the joy of art, music and coffee.

Dianna Hawkins-Rushing was there with handmade books. Sketchbooks with handmade paper and natural elements woven in, accordion books, and altered books that were pieces of art lined her table. The one that intrigued me the most was two books in one contrasting the family grown up in with the family you create. The first side was dark--all done in blacks and browns. It told a story of abuse, fear and neglect. The other side was the rest of the story done in vibrant greens which told of health, healing and joy.

Jennifer Shipley pulled out a blank canvas, quickly sketched with pencil and over the course of the night, we watched the colors come together to form a flower in front of our eyes.

Poet, Maggie Smith's clever constructions engaged me deeply and as I sat listening to Will Richey's poetry, a blast of fire caught the corner of my eye--so of course, I had to investigate. With spray paint and a blow torch, this artist (who I just learned is Josh Dryk) was creating on sheets of plywood. Luckily this distraction happened after Will's piece "I am in love with a hypocrite." The piece was so moving, I find that snatches of it still play in my mind this morning.

Probably one of my favorite things about the night was that I got to spend it with Elsa-the-Poet. Her quiet, gentle spirit is like balm for the soul. We both had intense weeks. It was nice to go and be healed with music, art, and a friend who loves you.

Stumbling on Answers

For reference, you might need to check out a previous post...

My dad is in the hospital, and I couldn't wait to go to Sahaja Meditation tonight. John and I rode our bikes. By the end of the meditation I felt completely different. Calmer. Lighter. But still there was tension in my heart. It is a difficult thing to watch your parents age. To hear your dad talk about things he sees in the after-effects of anesthetic that aren't really there.

One of the women worked on me--this time using a mantra. And I felt better. My heart was clear. So, I asked about the mantra. And learned it is the name of a goddess in the Hindu pantheon.

And again, I don't understand.

All I know is that I can't.

I can deeply appreciate that there is truth in what they are doing. The teaching on the subtle system works. (At least it works on me.) And while I could probably go along enjoying all of the wonderful people...(The people at the meditation center are truly beautiful in their souls.) I am an all or nothing sort of girl.

So, for me tonight, I had to make a decision. I don't get to go back to Sahaja. I can meditate and feel the power of the Holy Spirit flowing through me, but I can't invoke the names of other gods. Nothing in me will allow it.

Not because of conditioning, but because of a deep belief in my soul that there is only One.

The One I've served since I was a little girl.

And again, I'm not sure I completely understand any of this. I just know I have to make a choice.

I wonder if David-the-Artist-Pastor would consider a contemplative prayer center? Because meditating as a group is as powerful as sitting in Nancy's living room with guitars singing worship. Maybe even more so because you don't have to be on key.

Conversations and Epiphanies

I heard a statement telling someone what they should/should not do/believe in yesterday.

And I grappled with it.

First of all because it was "party line" for the religious tradition I grew up in and secondly because the recipient of the criticism was someone I consider one of the most graceful, joy-filled people on the planet. A woman who has served God her entire 84 years and shouldn't be chided.

And something about that moment crystalized for me my whole internal battle on spirituality, Christianity, and the religious training I received when I was younger.

I need to clarify that these are my thoughts as I try to figure out my own theology and make sense of the world I live in. Also, there are bound to be some generalizations here.

This was my big epiphany:

- I have met beautiful people worshipping God in thousands of different ways in my lifetime. (Some don't even call Him by the same name I do.) None of them perfect. (Not even the ones who worship the same way I do.)

- I have heard countless hours of criticism on people, belief systems, and methods of worship from pulpits, living rooms, Internet and phone lines. (Most of it emphasizing why the speaker was right and others were wrong.)

- I have observed that many who delivered this criticism aren't living perfect lives. (Reference that the divorce rate for evangelical Christians is higher than for the rest of the country.)

It occurs to me that...

We desperately need humility. Only arrogance believes in our own perfection...in our ability to completely understand God, scripture and the hearts of others. We need to acknowledge that there are billions responding to the evidence they see of God in creation worshipping Him with whatever means they have at hand, and know that "man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart." (1 Sam. 16:7)

We need to learn grace. If we truly believe that Jesus hung bloodied and broken at the hands of both religious leaders and godless men and forgave them, then that is the standard. And if that is the picture of what grace looks like, then how can we make our life's mission to point out sin? "Good news" is that Jesus gave His life in forgiveness so none of us have to stand in front of God's pointing finger. (Notice not our pointing finger.) Should we really focus on protesting sin or should we humbly acknowledge that we all sin and see the parity? And, if we can't bear the weight of our own sin, then why would we continually heap that weight on others? (Ref Mt 23:4).

It occurs to me that grace is intimately tied to humility. If God "opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble" (Proverbs 3:34) then we have to embrace humility if we want to learn grace.

We need to stop saving the world and start with our own homes and families. John and I watched six beautiful Christian families disintegrate in the past four years. And while it would be easy to look at them, shake our heads and pass judgment, we can't do that. You see, we hit the wall ourselves.

If we aren't absolutely flowing with love, peace, kindness and patience (evidence of the Holy Spirit) then we don't get to tell others how they should live. Jesus spoke of taking logs out of our eyes before focusing on the speck in our brothers eye. (Lk 6:42) If we can't effectively serve the people closest to us, then how are we fit to serve the world? (We definitely aren't fit to tell them where they are screwing up.) Again, this is intimately connected to humility and grace. It is so easy to forget the beauty of the people we live with when we feel taken for granted or unseen. I'm curious if humility and grace in our own homes could change the world.

As Dave Browning aptly put in his book Deliberate Simplicity, "Christians are trafficking in unlived truth." And I'm embarassed to say that I've done it.

I'm done.

I don't want to be right. I want to be like Jesus.

And I imagine that in my attempts to do that I am not going to be able to hold "party line." And I also believe that the only ones who are really going to tell me how I'm doing are those who live with me. So, John, Chase, Bethany...we should probably have a conversation...

Difficult for me to understand...

Since I was a little girl, I've had a sense of the presence of God. I remember being upset and having a sense of Him holding me. Or simply laying in bed and talking to Him. And overall this deep, deep love for Jesus. (I've been told as an adult that not everyone has this experience. But, it is my experience and the only perspective I have.)

This week, I read David-the-Artist-Pastor's blog which quoted Thomas Aquinas who said, “If you comprehend God, He is not God.” And while I know that my understanding of God is wholly incomplete, the past two years have been extremely bending. And the past three months even more so.

A little backstory to give context...

Just before I started this blog--something bad happened that caused a tremendous amount of grief. And while there are lots of reasons not to blog the details, I have written about the fallout.

Healing has come in bits and pieces and almost always through people. Sunny unknowingly relieved the loss of creativity in her gift of the windows. The women in theophostic prayer were instrumental healing the panic attacks and nightmares. Nancy-the-Insightful gifted understanding and John has held me when I was too broken to speak. Yet through all of the beautiful gifts across the past two years, the one glaring omission has been a loss of the personal presence of God. Many times I have cried and said to John..."I miss Him."

And so I've waited. And searched. And sometimes simply sat in the floor and wept because I couldn't understand why God would let something that bad happen then just disappear. In the past two years, I've caught glimpses of that sense of presence, but nothing that feels the same as it has been my whole life. And oddly there has been a physical pain that accompanied the lack. Sometimes on high and sometimes low, but always, always there.

A few months ago--when my friend Carole and I went to the Eco-Fair--there was a booth for a Sahaja meditation center. Except that no one was sitting cross-legged. Instead, a man was doing hand motions behind individuals sitting in chairs. Anyone who knows me, knows that I tend to get deeply interested in things that capture my attention, study them endlessly then move to the next deeply engaging subject. I was fascinated to watch the man to learn what he was doing. We talked and he explained about the way energy flows through the body to heal it and that the energy needs to be in balance. What he said drew me. When things on your insides aren't completely right, you look for healing.

That night, John and I talked about it a lot before I deciding it was worth checking out.

It's a weird thing to visit somewhere that you have no experience. I walked in. Figured out I should take my shoes off and was met by a beautiful woman with a lilting accent and joyful laugh. We talked for a bit, then were joined by another girl. When we realized no one else was going to show up, we started.

Barbara walked us through a guided meditation. It was simple and relaxing. Looking at her watch she said, that we had about fifteen minutes left and asked if I wanted her to "work on me." I wasn't sure exactly what that meant, but I assumed the same hand motions as the man had done at the eco-fair.

I don't have words to explain what happened as Barbara and Leti "worked" on me, but I felt something fix inside me. It was dramatic. Not only did the physical pain wash away but I could completely feel God's presence for the first time in two years. All of a sudden I didn't "miss" Him. I could feel Him. Just like always.

I can't explain it. It is very much the kind of healing experience described in the New Testament when Jesus laid hands on people. And so I've gone back. Deeply, deeply grateful. All of this completely outside of my understanding.

The whole experience puts me in a weird place with my belief systems. After all, Sahaja doesn't only worship Jesus Christ, but they also believe in the whole Hindu pantheon and in the divinity of the woman who founded it. What do I do with that?

As I've prayed about it I keep coming across words of Jesus like "a good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit" and the words of the blind man when questioned by the religious leaders (Jn. 9) plays a striking chord in my head: "Whether he is a sinner or not, I don't know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see."

For a blog that is on a list of "alternative Christian" sites there are probably a lot of reasons not to tell this story. Except that this blog is an adventure in authenticity for me.

As with most stories, it keeps unfolding...

It just doesn't have a predictable storyline.

Bethy's Haircut

After three months of talking about it, she finally did it. Beth got her hair cut into a "dimensional shag." (Kathy-of-the-Mom-Bows supplied the name of the style.)

I just think it was fun that she came to show me.

Of course, now I have to start calling her "Rocker Chick Bethany." (Alas, if only she'd selected drums instead of French horn.)

Hope

"What I see everywhere in the world are ordinary people willing to confront despair, power and incalculable odds in order to restore some semblance of grace, justice and beauty to this world." --Paul Hawken