I've written before about my athsma. And while it isn't as bad as when I was a kid (the drugs have gotten much better), it still continues to completely take me out of the game--especially if I catch a cold. Any "sick" settles in my lungs and makes me exhausted.
The scary part to me is that I can't control it.
I can't schedule it to be convenient.
It makes me weak. (Both literally and metaphorically.) And I hate that.
I've tried everything from accupuncture to dietary restrictions and while each new alternative heath measure often buys improvement for a time, nothing actually heals. And I have a hard time reconciling that because I do believe in healing.
It is interesting to me that God leaves us flawed. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. And then says things like "My strength is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor 12:9) I am frustrated that I can't rest in that. Instead I worry about all the e-mails sitting in my inbox or the chores I'm supposed to take care of.
And maybe the worst part is that I worry deep down that I won't be enough. That if I could just go to more yoga classes, be more strictly vegan, read the right books, make myself sleep better or intellectually crack the code that I could beat this.
But what if it isn't about that?
What if like the Mary and Martha story, only one thing is needed? And what if I've been so busy chasing away my weakness that I've missed the pause that it brings? The opportunity to be human and be embraced/cared for by the divine?
What if for one moment I considered that it isn't about me, my ability or lack thereof? What if I wasn't afraid of others expectations and perceived disappointments?
What if I really believed that "God would supply all my needs" (Phil. 4:19)? Or that I could "cast my cares on Him because He cares for me." (1Pet. 5:7)
There is always a gap in our faith--even for the most committed of Christians. Maybe the weakness is there to expose that gap...and possibly even narrow it.