Things I've never heard from a therapist...

One of John's clients sends a fantastic newsletter out each month.  (Usually I'm not a fan of company newsletters, but I find both Dr. Susan Fletcher's newsletter and Jason Womack's newsletters worth the read every time.)

This month, Dr. Fletcher had an article called "5 Things your Marital Therapist won't Tell You"...and after 24 years of marriage, I think she is right.  The following is from Dr. Fletcher ...

1. Always go to bed angry. I believe it's a myth that you should always make up with your spouse before going to bed. You are tired at bedtime and trying to settle a dispute when you are tired is futile. Plus, sleep is a great stress reducer. I say, "Go to bed - you're tired!"

2. Fighting is a good sign. One indication that couples are in trouble is when they aren't engaged or talking to each another. Indifference to each other tells me a marriage is in big trouble. At least couples who are fighting are interacting. Couples who care enough to fight still care about each other.

3. Communication isn't the most important thing. Talking about your feelings and making "I" statements doesn't solve problems. What's more important is the way couples respond to each other after an argument in order to build your relationship and make it stronger.

4. Don't try to resolve issues. Some issues just aren't resolvable. For example, Easter and Passover were in April this year. Fighting over different spiritual beliefs is not a resolvable issue. Repairing your relationship should be the focus. Acknowledge that your differences exist in a satisfactory way rather than trying to get your spouse to see your point of view at the expense of the relationship.

5. Every marriage is saveable. Both people have to be committed and it will be a lot of work. But it's worth repeating that - every marriage is saveable.

And since this is my blog, I get to add my own...

6.  You are going to get hurt.  Get over it.  If I had to boil it down to the one big "secret" to marriage, it would be about forgiveness.  We are all broken and we live in a broken world. Often times we hurt each other without even intending to. Treating your spouse as innocent--even when they don't deserve it--has power. We don't want marriages based on merit systems.  We want marriages based on love. Conversely, confession is part of the equation. We all need forgiveness.

7.  Openness is a harder goal than love. We all have self-protectionist strategies in relationships. We get hurt. Some part of us closes up. Our spouse is being a snot and doesn't deserve our presence, so we remove it. Except those patterns over time get ingrained. And we find ourselves behind walls we can't easily scale. The best marital advice I was ever given was to "stay open and stay put."

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Susan Fletcher, Ph.D. is a psychologist, author and speaker who specializes in helping individuals, professionals and organizations apply strategies for fast improvement.  Her Smart Zone™ strategies provide ways to be a top performer at work and home. To learn more about how to be in the Smart Zone please visit her website at www.FletcherPhD.com or contact Susan at (972) 612-1188 or by email at drfletcher@fletcherphd.com.

Why resurrection matters...

I have to admit it didn't feel a lot like Easter this year to me. Maybe because we didn't really plan anything.

But somehow I woke in the middle of the night tonight thinking about what a big deal resurrection is. How death being reversed--even once--matters.

Because you see...if something as big as death can be overturned, then other things become possible too...

Good can triumph over evil.

Health can overtake illness.

Freedom can come for slaves.

Wealth can come to the poor.

Joy can come to broken hearts.

Peace can come for the grieving.

Beauty can come to those in ashes.

Hope can come to those who have given up.
Singing can come to abandoned places.

Our soul longs for the power of the fairy tale because somewhere deep inside we've been told it is true. What a big deal that the resurrection isn't simply a myth in time, but a pattern of things that are happening now in a way that escalates like yeast moving through bread.

Easter changes everything.

Pursuit vs. Construction

I finished Tony Brown's Poseranity this weekend.  I really like Tony's writing style and the story--actually a series of stories from his life--are engaging.

One of the themes that really stuck with me was the idea of pursuit vs. construction.  The idea is that we become overly attached and defensive of things we've built.  If we build relationships, build organizations, build...well, buildings, we want to own them.  We want them to stay the same. But if we pursue relationships, pursue community, pursue whatever God is doing and allow Him to provide the tools, it creates a whole different paradigm.

The other thing I enjoyed about the book was the context in which I got to read it.  The weather has  been gorgeous and most of the book was read in my new porch swing outside.  The cool spring weather and a soundtrack of birds was a luxury!

Bethany turns 19

Bethany turned 19 this week.  (We celebrated at Uncle Julios like always.)

Being 19 is a weird age.  It doesn't have the sparkle of turning 18--which is such a milestone--and seems to carry with it a heavy dose of trying to find what you are going to do with your life.

Beth and I had a conversation last night about seeking purpose. I do know this...each one of us belongs. We are all created vibrantly alive with special gifts and talents.  And it is absolutely our choice how we use them.

However at 19, we are simply looking for the opportunity to do so.

Getting off Autopilot | The practice of joy

I think the ability to slip into autopilot mode is one we all struggle with. We can get into a rut of reacting--especially when circumstances are bad or simply boring--and miss much of the happiness that could be possible.

Nancy-the-Insighful shared an interesting quote with me from John Eldridge from his book Walking With God..."God is interested in our transformation and our joy."

Now, I've always been pretty sure that God was interested in my transformation.  As Anne Lamott aptly says, "God loves you just the way you are, and He loves you too much to let you stay that way."  However, I hadn't thought of God as having our joy as a goal.  Not that it doesn't make sense.  I mean, how much do you love seeing your dog's tail wag, delighting your spouse, or giving your kids something you know they really want?  We like making people happy. (Heck, I even feed my gliders mealie worms because it thrills them.)

What if we often miss joy?  Are we so set in just going through the motions that we've lost the ability to be responsive?

John Ortberg, in his book, The Life You've Always Wanted relays the story about his annoyance with his youngest at bathtime.  As a young father, he was a man on a mission:  Get the kids into bed.  However, his two-year-old, filled with the joy of being fresh and clean and completely naked would run around the room doing the dee-dah-day dance. (Which means she would run in a circle singing dee-dah-day, dee-dah-day over and over.) She simply couldn't understand Ortberg's impatience. Or the desire to rush through such a joy-filled moment.

It occurs to me that most two-year-olds are frequently overcome with joy--and at the smallest of things.  What if we could get back to that?  What if our hearts were unburdened enough--or maybe unhurried enough--to respond?

Getting off Autopilot

Ever see the Adam Sandler movie, Click? The idea is that an architect is given a remote control that allows him to fast forward through the parts of life he'd rather not experience.  The thing is that he finds he can't control it and winds up fast forwarding through much of his life.

I can relate.

I can get in a mode of 'getting stuff done' then wind up someplace wondering how I got there.

My guess is that this has happened to you before too.

There is concept in yoga of 'focused attention.'  Consider that  however focused we are at any one thing, the more energy gets concentrated into that thing.  (This can work for good or bad.)  A part of focused attention is also about being in the moment.  Not thinking about the past or planning the future. Just being fully present in the here and now.

I ran across an interesting post by Dr Joe Flanders on Wandering Minds, Focussed Attention and Well Being.  He writes....

"Mindfulness can help cultivate better focus, it is about more than that. It is about being awake in life – being aware of the impact the quality of our attention has on our experience. The study by Killingsworth and Gilbert supports the ancient principle that attention in the present moment is a key to happiness. Our ability to think about things other than the present means that we can waste all kinds of time ruminating on the past or worrying about the future. Meanwhile, life is passing us by. But staying present in the moment doesn’t necessarily mean keeping a sustained, narrow focus on one object of attention. Letting our attention be guided by the flow of stimuli in nature – what Mindfulness people called “choiceless awareness” – is another excellent way to be present in the moment. In fact, the research reviewed here suggests that cultivating that choiceless awareness may actually help us to concentrate and remember things at work later in the day."
This week, my mind has been a varitable pen of ping-pong balls.  Too much to do. Too much to create. Too much to take care of.  Today is week 3 of our 'sabbath experiment' which means I will have the great luxury of time to check out this 'choiceless awareness'.  It actually sounds fun.

(And maybe a few ping pong balls will fall out.)

Living from the Center

Richard Rohr in his book, Everything Belongs, talks about living from your center vs. living from your circumference. The outside things that define us...our trappings...make up our circumference. This may be something easily defined--like our skin and the way it looks--or the things we define our identity by...political parties, causes, our favorite band, style of dress...

The center--our inner self--is more illusive.  I believe it is the part of us that hopes and dreams. The part that God connects with.
Rohr writes, "This is how our contemporary culture seems to look at it: Our culture no longer really values the inner journey, if it would be honest. In fact, we actively avoid and fear it. In most cases we no longer even have the tools to go inward because, we are enamored and entrapped in the outer self in the private edges of our private lives. In such a culture, “the center cannot hold,” at least for long."

Rohr continues...

"The overwhelming problem today is that people are creating and letting go of boundaries who have no hint of their own psychological or theological Center. Those who create their own boundaries often end up with hardened and defended edges, without permeability for others to move in or out.

They may become either racists afraid of the “not-me” or co-dependents manipulating the world to meet their love and security needs. Those who too easily let go of boundaries will seek their soul forever outside themselves: She will make me happy. I need him for my sense of self. This church is who I am.

Those who have firmed up their own edges too quickly without finding their essential Center will be the enemies of ecumenism, the enemies of forgiveness, the enemies of vulnerability, and peace-making between nations and classes. Those who let go of their edges too easily often pride themselves on their openness and tolerance. But even here there is both virtue and vice. The tolerance of the believer, rooted in God, is certainly the voice of wisdom; but the too quick tolerance of the skeptic, cheap liberalism, is largely meaningless, usually no more than a need to be liked or a need to be popular. The first is the authentic lover, the faith-based prophet, the grounded agent of change; the second is a “born yesterday” believer, the faddish New Ager. Unfortunately, the second is much more common on the American scene today, even in churches and social justice circles. We have our work to do.

The greatest gift of centered and surrendered people is that they know themselves as part of a much larger history, of a larger symbolic universe. In that sense, centered people are profoundly conservative, knowing that they only stand on the shoulders of their ancestors and will be another shoulder for the generation to come. Yet they are paradoxically open and reformist, because they have no private agendas and self-interest to protect. People who have learned to live from their Center where God reigns know which boundaries are worth maintaining and which can be surrendered. Both reflect an obedience. If you want a litmus test for truly centered people, that’s it: they are always free to obey a voice outside themselves.

Probably the most obvious indication of non-centered ec-centric people is that they are a pain to live with! Every ego-boundary must be defended, negotiated, glorified: My reputation, my nation, my job, my religion, and even my ball team are really all I have to tell myself that I am somebody."

Rohr encourages us to develop the discipline of pulling away and sitting in silence with God as a way to find and develop our center. I'm enamoured of the idea of finding something deeper than the edges.

Artist Trading Cards and Such

Ever since Robin-the-Artist introduced me to the idea of Artist Trading Cards, I've been a fan.  The idea is that the art is small and mailable.  It is a way to share little pieces of your creative spark and to receive them from others.  (I've saw Robin leave one once for a waitress that was really great when we went to dinner.) Artist Trading Cards or ATC's can say a lot about the person who sends them.

The "rules" for artist trading cards are simple.  The piece must be 3.5 x 2.5 and mailable; and ATC's must be traded and never sold.

Our groups usually run for six months with each month having a theme.  For me, the creative discipline of having to produce a deliverable on a deadline is a healthy challenge. On the receiving side, seeing a simple theme interpreted in so many different ways is inspiring. This month's theme is: botanical.

My entry was done with walnut inks (yes, I am allergic...just careful not to touch), fine glitter and alcohol ink in a spray bottle and wax pencils.  Because ATC's are small and because you have to produce them every month, it allows for a lot of "play" and experimentation--which in the end winds up making you a better artist.

Getting to what things should be...

I was sitting in a chair this morning thinking it was interesting that God created dogs. More importantly, that God created something that would spark the kinds of relationships we have with our dogs. A four-legged friend is an awesome experience.

Then I thought about the idea that when we are born, we are put into families. When working as designed, families are amazing things. Connection on an emotional, relational and physical level. Creation of a home...your own safe place filled with things you like, and a place where you can be greeted with warmth and the smell of good food when you've been out slaying dragons all day.

What does it say about God that He created the world in just this way? (Set aside the times when it all goes dreadfully wrong, and think about what could be.)

If love is truly the greater power, then what can we do to wield that power? To allow love shape the world immediately around us into a place where love thrives? I don't think this is a mission of our will, but a mission of being open. Of letting our defenses crumble and being willing to be hurt. What if the greatest power in the world is accessible to us only through openness and surrender? Could we do that? Could we really believe that "love wins"--not with an eye to a global scale, but simply in our own backyard?

Bloggy repeat | The Concept of Personal Branding

I heard the most amazing phrase this week. So amazing that I wrote it on a card and put in in the little magnet-thing on my desk.

Be remarkable or be invisible.

It comes from Seth Godin's book, Purple Cow. The idea is that brown cows are okay, but they are so common as to be mundane. A purple cow--however--is something remarkable.

Jane Chance introduced me to the concept of personal branding. Once you become aware of the idea you start to notice it. Architect, David Schwarz, has his suits and flip flops. Ed Young has his funky patterned shirts. Troy Dungan has a bow tie and Rachel Ray has an infectious smile. (Jane's personal branding includes enthusiasm, a gift for making people feel at ease, and a pink trenchcoat.)

Successful people have packaging.

I once had the VP of Marketing of an international firm approach me at a meeting and say, "You have marketed yourself very well." My response was the professional equivalent of, "Huh?"

He said, "I heard of you before I met you. You are the one with the crayons." Personal branding.

A primary rule of marketing is that your brand has to be rooted in who you really are. In the case of personal branding, it would seem to be even more true. So the question is....if we live in a world of special and unique people, why do we see so many brown cows? Okay, not literally, but stand on a street corner downtown during lunch and you'll find little to distinguish individuals in the pedestrian traffic.

I think it has to do with risk. There is risk in taking crayons to a meeting of professionals you've never met before. Risk in flip flops, bow ties and pink trenchcoats. Risk in allowing others to glimpse the part of you that is different.

Being part of the herd? Now that's safe. And, not the least bit remarkable.

On finding joy...

Our lives can be so heavy sometimes. There are big things that weigh us down...(failures, injuries, pain) and there are little things that weigh us down (worries, insecurities, frustrations). 

Sometimes the hardest work required of us is in letting these go.

Allowing our natural joy to be uninhibited so it can flow.

Notice that word "joy." It is linked to "enjoy."

As part of our sabbath-experiment, we've been focusing on enjoying things. For 24-hours stepping away from the little task-oriented things that weigh us down.  As it turns out, I believe it is a deeply worthwhile spiritual discipline. 

One that provides freedom for our souls.

Love Wins

I just finished reading Love Wins by Rob Bell. 

I can't even write about it without sounding trite against the rich context of the chapters.  You have to read it for yourself.

But because I need some prose to make this into an actual blog post, I will leave you with the very last words of the book.

May you experience this vast,
expansive, infinite, indestructible love
that has been yours all along.
May you discover that this love is as wide
as the sky and as small as the cracks in
your heart that no one else knows about.
And may you know.
Deep in your bones,
that love wins.