Missing Toby

Yesterday, we had an unexpected loss.  Our little sheltie, Toby.

I took him into the vet on Tuesday because he wasn't eating and seemed not his usual self.  When we got his blood work back on Wednesday, the results showed kidney failure.  By Thursday morning he was in pain and crying nonstop with labored breathing, so we took him in to have him put to sleep.

We got Toby when Chase was fourteen.  It was my lesson in never saying to my son, "Sure, we can go hang out at the pet store and play with the dogs."  When Chase picked up Toby, it was magic.  But I figured all puppies were magic so I asked them to bring us a different dog.  It wasn't the same.

I still remember when we brought Toby home and he tried to nurse on Casey.  (Totally freaked poor Casey out.) And when I told John how much the dog cost. (I felt vindicated because though I put him on the credit card we got a check from a freelance gig the next day for the same amount.) 

Toby was shy, quirky and nervous.  But he was also sweet, loving and always interested in everything. He hated to sleep for fear he would miss something, and would often drift off with his nose holding his head up so he wouldn't actually be laying down.

He wanted so much to be the alpha--and actually took joy in making Mia squeal or chasing the birds out of the yard.  Those were big accomplishments for such a little dog.

I couldn't believe it when I came home last night and wasn't greeted by him at the doorway.

Oh little Toby.  You are missed.

Kevin's Funeral

I went to the funeral of one of my high school friends yesterday.  Kevin was married to one of the BFF's and was part of the group I loved as a teenager.

While death is always difficult, some are harder than others. I listened as his dad spoke and said, "Kevin had a big heart, a big mouth, and big influence." He also went on to say that his son's life was more than this one last decision made in pain, confusion and despair. As the stories about the life Kevin lived rolled out, it was a flood of good deeds done in secret suddenly coming to light.  He had touched each of the hundreds in the auditorium. Kevin had a gift for meeting needs and making people feel special.

Kristi has often spoken of her "Brother Al" over the years. The pastor made four points as he spoke at the funeral that are worth capturing so they are not lost. He encouraged all of us by saying...

1.  This is not your fault.  Everyone in this room will have thoughts of "If only I'd said this" or "If I'd called then."  The pastor said that is a fruitless game of guilt and none of it true.

2. Suicide is not the unpardonable sin.  The pastor highlighted that our beliefs about this are based in remnants of Catholic theology and not based in scripture itself.  He said no matter what the circumstances that Kevin's pain and confusion are done.  He is with Jesus. He is at perfect peace.

3.  Self-destructive thoughts are not originating from you. He surveyed the room on how many people had struggled with self-destructive thoughts and a surprising number of hands went up. (I suspect there were many more of us who simply didn't raise our hands.) Brother Al said that God loves us and thoughts of harming ourselves are introduced as lies from the enemy.  We have to capture those thoughts and reject them as lies, because when that thought is embraced it can become action.

4. Bitterness of soul and unforgiveness are like poisons you mix for your enemy then drink yourself. This point was unexpected and I was glad he included it.

Now that the funeral is over, the hard work begins for Kristi and the girls.  The grieving process and building of the next chapter of their lives run in tandem.  It blessed me so much yesterday to see that they are not alone.  There are hundreds ready to love and support them as they cry, vent and rebuild.

I am honored to be in that number.

Simplicity

I've been thinking a lot about simplicity lately--about how much of the complexity in our life is self-imposed.

It is easy to make decisions that clutter life.  Easy to take on debt, to overload our schedules, to get caught up in dramas to which we are non-essential...

Much harder to create space for relationships, to enjoy what is beautiful, to deeply and truly listen.

Still mulling what simplicity looks like in the context of my own life.  I believe it is worth pursuing.

Sometimes the unthinkable happens

Sometimes the unthinkable happens and you get blindsided.

Stories that should have had a happy ending didn't.

And all you can do is watch in disbelief as people you care about try to put one foot in front of the other as they navigate situations for which there is grief, pain and anger, and where cliches abound because none of us knows what to say and all of us want to fix it.

For my friends, I pray peace that passes understanding and strength for fear.  And healing.  Deep and precious healing.

I'm so sorry.

Vegan-friendly Fashion | Purses

One of the things about a vegan-lifestyle is that it goes beyond the food that you eat to the clothing that you wear and the products you use in your household.

And while I'm still not 100% there yet, I am beginning to make conscious choices to find products that don't rely on animals to produce.

I recently went on a quest to find a "vegan" purse and the exercise was much harder than I ever dreamed.  For one thing, purses are typically leather in the first place because of durability.  It is hard to find cloth purses that stand up to wear and tear.  Vinyl is an option--but fashion-wise the the purses still tend to "look" like leather.

In my "quest" I found that the best selections were at import stores or boutique shops.  Etsy also provided a great selection of handmade vegan bags. (More fashionable, but at a much higher price point.)  World Market had great selections but in the end I chose one from a small import store in Denton called "Juliet's Jewels." The base is plastic--for durability--with some really nice handwork on the exterior, and it was small ( a major selling point for me.)

Next up...shoes!

Human-Size Corporations

I've been reading the book Voluntary Simplicity by Duane Elgin.  The book is about sustainability, but in a holistic sense--one that starts with our own personal choices.  Not just about using compact flourescent light bulbs or recycling, but where we choose to live, how we work and what we own.

In the "living simply" chapter, Elgin expresses an idea I'd never considered before--mostly because I didn't think it was possible.

Simplicity is also manifest in more human-size places of employment.  Many people work within massive bureaucracies: huge corporations, vast government agencies, enormous educational institutions, sprawling medical complexes.  These workplaces have grown so large and so complex that they are virtually incomprehensible both to those who work within them and to those who are served by them.  Not surprisingly, the occupations that often emerge from these massive organizations tend to be routinized, specialized and stress-producing.  Simplicity in this setting implies a change in favor of more human-size workplaces, by redesigning organizations so they are of more compehensible size and manageable complexity.  By consciously creating workplaces that encourage meaningful involvement and personal responsibility, the rampant alienation, boredom and emptiness of work could be greatly reduced.

I work in a human-size place of employment.  There is personal responsibility because if you drop a ball, you know the person that it falls on. But I also deliberately sought that out. I've worked in a large corporate machine before and I always felt like I was playing a game where no one would tell me the rules. 

What I didn't think about was what these machines--which provide the lifestyle of a majority of the people we know--do to the soul.  Yet when your job feeds and houses you and there is no way to opt out. Moreover, we've become so specialized that few of us can pack up and work somewhere else.

I'm not sure what the answer is, but I do believe a reingineering of corporate America is inevitable.  With the web providing tools that allow small companies to function like large ones, maybe the shift to smaller is possible.

Encountering Animal Rights

Growing up, I associated animal rights activists with the people who threw paint on fur coats.  After all, my geography means I know a lot of hunters.  My home is the state where BBQ is a sport.

I didn't initially come to be a vegetarian because of a deep love for animals; yet, in my experience, being vegetarian for a long time changes your relationship to them.

The vegan community seems to be a mixed bag of "encouragers"--those who want to help anyone interested in making a lifestyle change--and "condemners"--those who want to tell you how bad you are for murdering baby chicks. In fact, that latter designation is why many people see the vegan movement as a joke.
John and I went to see "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" recently and it helped to crystallize some of my thinking.  There is a theme in the movie where animals are treated as commodities, but the part that jumped out at me was one of the guards who would poke them with the cattle prod just for fun.

I remember that as a kid.  The boys who would pull the pinchers off the crawdads.  Or the person in our neighborhood who killed a dog by feeding it glass. Or having to dissect a cat in class.  There are ways of being in the world that treat animals as if they don't matter and beyond that there is a cruelty that can exist because they don't matter. 

Most of us who have pets know they have feelings.  Dogs are capable of joy, love, boredom, embarrassment.  They feel pain.  And something about that is significant...maybe even down to the food sources we eat.  After all, are cows that different from dogs? What about chickens?

It is easier to ignore what so many movies, books, and activist groups are trying to reveal...because none of us wants to "be that guy with the baby chick murderer sign." But maybe we could make personal decisions that would make the world kinder. Like buying cloth purses instead of leather ones or eating less meat. Or maybe we simply become aware that the products we buy aren't inanimate objects on a box store shelf. They came from somewhere. I think it is time I started thinking about that.

My Week as a Trophy Wife | Recap

One of the things I learned during "my week as" this year is that a week all about yourself is oddly unsatisfying.

Shopping, spas, and gourmet food (I test drove a ton of great restaurants this week) is fun, but not quite as enjoyable as I thought it would be.  Of all of the days, by far the most meaningful was the one spent with Elsa-the-Poet.

I was reminded of a quote by Rachel Held Evans..."One thing we have in common is the fact that a self-centered life is ultimately unfulfilling. We are not deep enough for it. We use ourselves up and then wear ourselves out clawing at the bottom of an empty well for more.

What we really need is community. We need other people’s sorrows, other people’s joys, other people’s needs, other people’s contributions. And we need these things no matter how many goals we achieve or how much money we make. The source of true joy is available to all, at any time, regardless of status or station."

Okay, so lesson learned. Time to start thinking about next year...

My Week as a Trophy Wife | Day 4 | Make a Gourmet Meal

I'm not much of a cook, but our vegan lifestyle has me trying lots of new things.  One of my goals this week was to pick out a recipe and make it for John and I.  This was a broccoli polenta served with seitan, mushroom and spinach saute with thyme and fresh basil. (Is in the Veganomicon.)

Bummer part?

It tasted amazing, but was not very pretty on the plate!

My Week as a Trophy Wife | Day 3 | Hanging out with Girlfriends

Probably one of the most appealing things about being a trophy wife would be having time to hang out with girlfriends. So, today, Elsa-the-Poet and I hung out in downtown Dallas for the better part of the day exploring.

After 6 am yoga and a hard day of walking, I needed a nap. (Which was wonderful!)

Then, it was off to John's softball game--where I got to hang out with Sunny and my dog, Pepper.  Pepper was very appreciative that I bought her a hot dog!

My Week as a Trophy Wife | Day 2 | Shopping & Salon

As a general rule, I'm not a shopper unless it is online. But today, I headed out to the shops at Highland Village for a day of retail therapy and treating myself to Shawn Kristopher's salon.

At Charming Charlie, I bought a hat. (Because I LOVE HATS!!!) Then it was off to Ann Taylor, New York & Co, Chicos, etc.  And I learned something about myself.  Even when I have permission to be a trophy wife I can't pay retail.  So after that, it was off to Cato, Ross & TJ Maxx where I actually bought stuff. (Actually a lot of stuff.)

Shawn did a great job with my hair.  It's a shame that such a great cut is going to be hidden under my new hat...which is FANTASTIC! 

My Week as a Trophy Wife | Day 1 | The Spa

I started my day at my yoga class at 9:15am.  (A leisurely adjustment from my usual 6am timeslot.)  After a shower and some primping I went to the spa for reflexology.

They greeted me with a cup of hot tea and incredible music.  Then I chose my aroma therapy scent. (I picked orange. It was happy.)

I've never had reflexology before, but I have to say that I am now a fan.  It feels incredible and the results seem to carry on throughout the day.

While the woman worked on my feet, I hooked up to the Oxygen bar.  The combination of pretty surroundings, soft music and breathing deeply was amazing.

I could get used to this.

The "My Week As" Vacation

Each year I take a week-long vacation to live my life in a way I would normally never get to live it with the responsibilities of a day job.  In the past I've lived my life as a writer, stay-at-home-mom, an interior decorator, an artist, a yogi...just to name a few...

This year, I wanted to take a week off to simply relax. Go to spas, have lunch with friends, workout later in the day, read some books, shop...

And so, this year for my "Week As" vacation, I am living my life as a trophy wife.

For the record, a trophy wife is an expression used to describe a wife, usually young and attractive, who is regarded as a status symbol for the husband, who is often older and affluent.  But the more important piece to this equation is what trophy wives do.  Their only responsibility is to fill their days with things that make them more beautiful while their husbands work.

Baby, by the end of this week, I am going to be GORGEOUS!

Simple Faith

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Words of Jesus in Matthew 11:28-30