Why does it feel uncomfortable to really take a Sabbath?

I was sick last week.  Like no energy, coughing my head off, feeling too crummy to even return a text because it might result in a phone call kind of sick. After that, I had a series of day long meetings and evening events. By Friday night, I was completely depleted.

Early Saturday morning, I was preparing for my Troop 166 event when I realized suddenly, it wasn't until the next weekend.

I had a whole Saturday off.

Immediately, my mind filled with the things I "should" do....
I should do my taxes.
I should visit my parents.
I should go to the grocery store.
I should call my friend.
I should pick up the stuff for that project.
I should exercise.
I should write.
I should.....

Why was it so hard just to enjoy the luxury of unscheduled time?

Why did I have to get sick to truly rest?

And those questions were followed by another question...one I wasn't very comfortable with...

Why did I have to be producing something to feel any sense of self-worth?

Don't get me wrong.  I actually enjoy producing.  I love writing this blog, time with friends, Troop166, being engaged with my day job...but it occurs to me that if my ability to produce becomes too much a part of my identity....well, there seems to be something wrong with that.

Someone told me once that really driven people aren't just running to something, they are also running from something.  If I can't comfortably stop running and rest, well, that needs to be examined.  Sometimes performance-based acceptance isn't just inflicted on us by others.  Sometimes we inflict it on ourselves.

Something I need to look at...
© Random Cathy
Maira Gall