Exposure via Cast

I've been in a cast since I had surgery on January 14th.  The surgery was a "flat foot reconstruction."  The tendon that holds the arch of my left foot in place deteriorated (possible scooter injury that started this, but unsure) and the bones had moved out of place over time.

The recovery time for the surgery is 12 weeks, and I've had emotional challenges to this enforced convalescence that I didn't see coming. 

First....anxiety.  I can't tell you how many times since the surgery I've been overwhelmed by anxiety.  When I was still in the hospital and John told me he had to work the next day and I realized I'd be home alone for a few hours, I unexpectedly burst into tears. The first time I went out of the house on the crutches--even though John was right there with me....the first time I drove to work...each time I've had this overwhelming sense of my own vulnerability.  Of course we are always this vulnerable--fragile human things that we are--the cast has just made me hyper-aware. And it feels like a huge realization. 

It is hard to need love. It has been WONDERFUL to experience all of the cool things my family and friends have done for me. Visits, calls, meals, gifts sent....small services and errands.  I have been showered in love and care and realized just how much I need it. It is bringing out all of this feeling of unworthiness and insecurity that I didn't know I had inside of me. 

It's hard not to be able to produce. My friend Shane-the-Connector has said many times...."The thing about Cathy is that she gets sh*t done." There are few moments in my life that are unscheduled. This enforced slowness and the overwhelming pressure "not to let anyone down" has made me realize some things about myself. I've heard it described that driven people aren't only running to something, they are running from something...and that idea bothers me.  I'm not ready to blog about this aspect yet. I just don't have the words. 

It is hard to be confronted with physical pain.  This is the first time I've ever had to deal with serious physical pain on a daily basis.  It saps your strength.  Not only that, but there is a spiritual component--almost a feeling of despair because while you know your pain is temporary, you become aware of what millions experience that hurt all the time. I don't know what to do with that. 

No quippy ending for this post.  It just is what it is.

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© Random Cathy
Maira Gall